Illustration by Avissruti Bannerji

There’s this strange joy about being insecure.
I remember the first time I tried to plug in a socket with wet hands.
I felt every strand of hair on my skin suddenly grow taut, as if every tree in the Amazon had decided to stand in attention position, getting ready for a parade.
Loving you was like that.
Loving you was joy because
I felt myself swimming in different personalities;
Or maybe it was just insecurity.
The thing about insecurity is that
It lets you imagine yourself in different situations and so, you’re a Seer.
Insecurity is beautiful because
It never lets you take people for granted.
Insecurity is stubborn.
People tell you you’re building sandcastles on the ocean floor
You tell them that there’s still sand.
People call you paranoid but
You keep calling yourself devoted.
Personally, I never saw the difference.
Because when you’re sitting at home
And waiting
And waiting
And waiting
And waiting
For them to come back from that party,
Where you know they’ll meet many socially amiable people
And you know that they might meet people there
Who are better than you,
Those million little voices spring to life in your head and insecurity dances the shimmy,
You really fucking know,
You know you really love them.

I think we’re all insecure
You, yes you
You!
Yes.
And you
I know you’re insecure too.
But that’s okay.
Because insecurity is beautiful.
It makes you fight everyday
Never think of it as a bad thing
Because, insecure as I am
I am never insecure about my insecurities.
I’m sorry
This is long
I guess this is my insecurity typing
It tells me
And tells me
And keeps telling me
And then yells,
“Keep writing something or they’ll forget you or they won’t think you’re good, or worse, they’ll forget you exist!”

You left me because you said I was too ‘insecure’
But you…
You never realized that the reason I kept trying to better myself at trying to make you happy was because
I was insecure
I’m confused.
You said you loved me because I always went big.
I was always insecure.

But that’s okay.

Because no matter how hard anyone tries to get me out of it,
Insecurity is a part of me
It’s like a transparent suit glued to my body
It’s been tattooed on my DNA
Ever since this Insecurity of a life began

So if you left because I’m insecure
Don’t tell me you ever loved me
I don’t know why you were ever with me,
Because
That was insecurity too.
I told you this
But I’ll say it again
I was always insecure
I fought for us because I was insecure about the future.

But insecurity is beautiful,
Or so I believe

After all, I wake every day because I’m insecure

That someone else will live the day before me

And I think that’s beautiful.
I think that’s fucking beautiful.

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Written by Utsho Bose

Illustrated by Avissruti Bannerji

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